I am the best husband in the world. If my wife were to read this, she’d fall to the floor, convulsed in laughter, and then gasp something about my “dazzling lack of self-knowledge.” But no matter. I wear her ignorance of my excellence as a badge of honor. The best performers inhabit their roles–you never catch them acting.

This guy is funny. And he has a point. In fact he has ten point. Ten tips on how to be the perfect husband. And they work. I promise. Start with one of them and watch the magic work instantly.

Will you ever be as great a husband as I am? Not likely. By now, I’m the gold standard. But you can do better, my brother. (And that’s true for you unmarried guys, too: If you’re with her, you can learn to be with her better.) I’ve condensed my wisdom into some guiding thoughts and tricks of the togetherness trade. Think of them as batting tips from Barry Bonds. Stash them in a part of your brain that guides your behavior, and two good things will happen: She’ll get the partner she deserves, and you’ll get the satisfaction and, oh yeah, the sex of which you dream.

Just remember that what works on one relationship works on one relationship. You have to find your own tips, techniques or rules. Pick and choose, and make your own ten commandments for relationships.

Now, here’s the list. For a more detailed explanation of each point, read the original article. Confessions of a Perfect Husband - 10 simple secrets to keeping her happy on Men’s Health.

10 simple secrets to keeping her happy

No. 1 - Kill never and always
First of all, they’re not technically accurate. But, more important, they’re gas-on-the-fire words.

No. 2 - Work the reunions
You come through the door tired, maybe distracted about something at work. You don’t really focus on her, do you? She gets only a sliver of your attention. Not good enough.

No. 3 - Laugh at her
Among the most affirming things one person can do for another is to laugh at the other’s attempts at humor.

No. 4 Make the lion’s roar
When you are in a confrontational situation, be prepared to bark in unambiguous defense of your family. Don’t shrink from this obligation. Your wife’s regard for you will shrink if you do.

No. 5 - Be a little lamblike, too
Softness and kindness and tenderness and all those traits that ain’t much use in the marketplace are pure gold when it comes to being a husband.

No. 6 - She needs closeness to feel sexual; you need sex to feel close
This is the fundamental impenetrable puzzle of love. I have no idea what to do about this. But great husbands have this reality in mind at all times.

No. 7 - Be touchy
Apparently, we touch our wives too infrequently–except, of course, when we are taxiing for takeoff. It pains me to cede any ground, but we’re guilty as charged.

No. 8 - See the coffee cup
The perfect husband understands that women often get confused by stuff that doesn’t matter, as in the unwashed coffee cup that’s been sitting in the sink for days.

No. 9 - She ain’t broke, so don’t fix her
People rarely change unless they feel accepted as they are. Once folks feel they’re not required to change, growth happens.

No. 10 - Play to win
You know the athletic wisdom that warns against playing not to lose, that argues you have to be loose to let your skills flow and maximize your game? Same goes for marriage.