“I can’t figure out where all the money is going, and he refuses to tell me or keep records to show me where the spending is going. Why can’t he just tell me?”

By Dave Ramsey

The most pressure-filled issue that surfaces in marriage counseling is broken trust and communication regarding money matters. Time and time again, pain and tears come from one spouse who has attempted to hide or unsuccessfully fix an uncontrolled spending habit. Everyone is susceptible to impulsive, unscheduled purchases, but when they become uncontrollable, it is difficult to admit there is a problem.

“Dave, how do I tell my husband that I currently have over $15,000 on my credit card?”

These are real life issues and many of us say, “That could never happen to me,” but this addictive behavior is occurring regularly. Let’s explore some basic baby steps to recovery:

1. Prepare to tell the whole truth. This is a positive step in taking responsibility for your actions. It’s half the battle.
2. Talk honestly. Set a time to sit down with your spouse asking him/her not to respond until you have completed making your confession. Then tell him/her, as honestly as you can, exactly what has happened. This time should include asking for forgiveness. Be prepared prayerfully for any potential response because this may be quite a shock to your spouse. Ensure the atmosphere is peaceful and non-threatening. (If you are the unsuspecting spouse, respond with compassion and forgiveness.)
3. What is your spouse thinking? Listen attentively without responding, even if there is a time of silence.
4. Work together. Ask your spouse to help you work out a plan to attack the debt using a debt snowball or selling an item even if at a loss.
5. Be accountable. Establish a time (weekly at first) to stay accountable with each other to curb any relapse of your behavior. If there is, it may be time to see a counselor for some additional guidance.
6. Continue to communicate. When the crisis is over and wounds have healed, continue to seek your spouse’s counsel. It may seem obvious, but couples too often make big financial decisions without talking first. It’s important to agree about major purchases, even if they’re in your budget.

Once you begin talking candidly about the spending and motivating behavior, you will begin to build unity in your marriage and add peace and trust to your relationship.

This content is provided by DaveRamsey.com and may be used only in its entirety with all links included. Dave Ramsey is changing the face of America by helping people beat debt and build wealth with his best-selling book, The Total Money Makeover, and nationally syndicated radio show, The Dave Ramsey Show. Read more of what Dave says about marriage and money.